The Right Way To Eat A Muffin

This morning I decided to treat myself to a blueberry muffin from the Village Bakery right here in Atwater Village. As I began to eat the muffin, it occurred to me that there’s a right way and a wrong way to eat a muffin. For example, if you were new to America and you’d never experienced a muffin before, you might unwrap the whole thing, unlock your jaw, and attempt to take a top-to-bottom bite similar to the bite the shark takes out of the ship in Jaws. That’s the wrong way to eat a muffin. Let me show you the right way.

Step one: tear off a piece of the top of the muffin.

As celebrated on Seinfeld, the top of the muffin is the best part of the muffin. For many people, it’s the only part of the muffin worth eating. Should you feel guilty about eating a muffin for breakfast, you might do very well to only eat the top, leaving the rest for a small animal or co-worker to nibble at. Only, that’s a halfhearted way to eat a muffin. So keep tearing off the top and eating until there’s no top left.

Here’s where things get tricky. You might think the next move is to unwrap the wrapping and to eat the muffin straight-on like a scone. WRONG.

Step two: dig your fingers into the center of the muffin and pull out the heart like the guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Many people don’t realize that the heart of the muffin is a delicacy, like an artichoke heart, but it is. True: this method is much messier than the unwrap and eat straight-on method, however it has its advantages. Namely: you can trick yourself into thinking you’ll eat less muffin this way. Also, it’s also a way to pace yourself.

In fact, Step Three is to push the plate away from you with the deformed bottom half now too difficult and unpleasant to eat. You’ve had enough muffin, it’s time to get on with your work.

Only, you’ve come this far, why stop now? There are only a few bites left anyway. Just finish the job.

And that, my friends, is the right way to eat a muffin.